barely breathing

Have you ever gotten news that literally took your breath away?  I mean "gasping for the next breath" news?  I have.  Very recently actually.  My problem is that I don't know what to do with it at all.

Honestly, if I were not compartmentalizing it right now I don't think I would be able to type.  I won't be sharing the news here on my blog, as its not only my story.  Its mostly not my story, but the effect on me and my family is just about overwhelming.  Hence, the compartmentalizing.

If I am being honest I might as well also say that I am struggling with choosing to love.  Yep, cue the flesh.  I know in my heart what I need to do and say, but something inside my heart just won't let go.  I am angry, hurt, sad, exhausted, and bursting at the seams to scream.  But I won't.  Because I know that it would be the wrong move.   

So I stay quiet.

I wait.

Wait for an answer.  Wait for the calm.  Wait for the Lord to work in my heart, so that I can respond the way I know I should.  See, the news that I heard I have heard before.  I have been down this path.  My struggle is in choosing to love and forgive, which will open myself up to being hurt again.  And again. 

The purpose of this post is certainly not to gain pity or to have a "oh woe is me" pity party.  Those few that follow have read past posts that I have written about choosing to love despite what our human flesh wants to do.  I have written about choosing to take the hard road if it meant going against what modern culture tells us we should do.  I am not on the outside preaching in.

I just want to be open and let you know that the things I post about are just things I have learned from not always making the best choices.  See, right now I am in a waiting place of making a choice.  Do I want to walk in the Spirit and do what the Lord tells me I need too?  Nope,  I don't.  I want to have an all-out-adult-sized-toddler-temper-tantrum, kick, scream, and hold my breath until everyone around me feels as hurt and angry as I do.

But I won't. 

I will continue to wait.

I will get through this.

It will pass, and like most things, it just won't seems as big on the other side.

I will hold tight to the living and active word of God that sustains:

1 Peter 5:6-10
6  Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time  7 Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 

8  Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  9 Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is going through the same kind of sufferings.

10  And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.


Afterall, the enemy is prowling, and I don't plan on becoming his next meal.
Of course, a few extra prayers are always appreciated!